In 1980, three sisters in Lansing, Michigan, "got filled with the Holy Spirit" after reading the Bible, according to one, and were arrested shortly afterward riding naked, smeared with mustard, in a stolen truck. In an interview with Associated Press, one sister said the cause was "maybe . . . a little of both [God and the devil] trying to outdo the other."
A Harrisville, West Virginia, man was found not guilty in the 1985 murder of a local funeral director whom he had stabbed 13 times after awakening to find him licking mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, and pickle juice (which the licker had spread on the victim's body while he was asleep) off his nude body. A court found that the killer was temporarily insane because of the circumstances.
A New York college professor walked into a Dover, New Jersey, 7-Eleven in 1977, stripped naked, and poured ice cream and coffee grounds over his body.
SUFFOLK, VA (UPI)-- A Smithfield Packing truck spilled more than 700 pounds of soured pig parts on a Suffolk street when the driver slammed on the brakes.
When the truck jerked to a halt, the hog heads, feet and entrails. poured out over the top. The parts spilled onto the street, the sidewalk, and two Jehovah's Witnesses.
Ten public works employees had to be summoned to clean up the mess Sunday.
Said public works director Tom Hines: "We were standing in guts, heads, and feet 8 inches deep at the curb line."
To make matters worse, the pig parts already had turned rank.
"We wear safety equipment," Hines said. "But we're not equipped for dealing with pig heads."
His biggest safety concern was that a pedestrian might slip on some intestines. But Hines said the spill "smelled bad enough that people stayed away."
The meat-packing giant promised a new set of clothes to the Jehovah's Witnesses, who regularly pass out literature to shoppers on Main Street, the Norfolk Virginian-Pilot reported Thursday. The stench was so thick, cleanup crews had to work in shifts so they could take a break for fresh air.
To induce orgasmicly pleasurable sensations in your oral cavity, microwave together a few chunks of unsweetened baking chocolate (the kind that's still around the house only because it's too bitter to eat in raw form) together with a goodly ammount of honey. Tupilo is great for this, being a Strong, Rich, Studly kind of honey. Let it all melt and bubble a little bit (stiring occasionally). Take it out and stir it around and play with it for about 15 minutes or so, chortling, har har dee harrrr schnuk schnuk, about what kinds of things it could be used for. This is truely REALLY GOOD STUFF. The powerful, bitter chocolate whallop is sweetened and accentuated by the dark rich Tupilo honey. The taste is so rich and penetrating that when you taste it, you will go around making noises and faces like you usually don't make in public, with no regard for what people around you might think is going on inside your mouth. Next, go back into time about 20 minutes and put a frozen crousant into the toaster oven to cook. Then go forward in time at least until you're finished with your anal retentive fit of chortling and spooning dark brown glop up into the air and letting it ooze slowly down and slobber all over the place, occasionally getting it all over you face and hands and the front of your pants. Then get a carton of Breyer's Mocha Chocolate Chip ice cream with little rectangles of chocolate that crunch loudly when you bite them because they're so frozen, and cut open the crousant in a certian way. Your subconscious will let you know exactly where and how it should be cut, and you will probably be quite pleased by the results. Spoon big globs of that ice cream stuff into there and spread it all over inside. Oh, yeah, good! And then, with the style of the great chefs of public television, you should JUST HAPPEN to have a bowl of frozen raspberries sitting around, that have been thawed by a careful routine of repetitivly microwaving them for 15 or 16 seconds, then tasting a few to see if they're thawed yet, again and again, until they're all really good and thawed, and even pretty hot in fact. So spoon as many of these as you possibly can on top of the ice cream in the crousant. So many that you couldn't possibly fit anything else on at all. Then let yourself loose and have a go at the crousant with with big dripping spoonfulls full of the honey-chocolate sauce. If you made it right, then it will be slow and viscous enough for you to fool yourself into thinking that you can actually get quite a lot of it to stay in one place for more than a few seconds or so. Now START EATING IT, because if you don't, it's going to be all over the place in a matter of seconds. And DON'T stop until your done. If you have long hair, you should have tied it way the fuck back quite some time ago, and if you didn't, then you should lick your fingers off a little, and try the whole procedure all over again, with your hair tied back this time. Now if you REALLY liked all that, then catch me in a receptive mood some time and ask me to show you just what I was chortling about...
